As a mental health provider practicing here in upstate New York, this is the time of year when I see more exhaustion, frustration and people quietly overwhelmed than almost any other season. While the holidays are often described as joyful, many members of our community — from the Adirondacks to the Mohawk Valley and across the Capital Region — present to us feeling stretched to their limits.
Each December, I meet with people who are juggling work, child care, winter weather, financial strain and the emotional weight of family expectations. And for far too many, the burden of holiday planning falls squarely on their shoulders. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms this trend: 38% of adults report increased stress during the holidays, with women reporting significantly higher rates due to disproportionate household and emotional labor.
If you are the one who cooks, cleans, buys the gifts, coordinates the schedule, hosts the gathering, remembers everyone’s favorites and breaks up the tense moments — you are not imagining things. It really is too much for one person; research on “mental load” and “emotional labor” shows that being the default organizer is associated with higher stress, lower relationship satisfaction and increased fatigue.
And you deserve help.
The first step is to put a plan in place that is flexible, without overthinking it.
Delegating holiday responsibilities isn’t selfish — it’s healthy.
One of the first conversations I have with overwhelmed patients is about sharing the workload. In many households, the same person is expected — explicitly or implicitly — to “make the holidays happen.” When this responsibility is taken for granted, it can lead to emotional and physical fatigue, burnout and resentment. Studies consistently link chronic role overload to heightened anxiety and depressive symptoms.
This season, I encourage you to intentionally delegate.
Ask others to take on specific tasks:
• “Would you help out by handling the main dish?”
• “Would you help out by taking charge of cleanup?”
• “Would you help out by coordinating the gift exchange or RSVPs?”
• “Would you help out by picking up relatives from the airport and train station?”
Delegation is neither a sign of weakness nor being overbearing; it’s a sign that the holiday belongs to everyone, not just the person who plans it. Research on shared family responsibility shows improved emotional wellbeing and decreased stress when tasks are distributed more evenly.
Be honest when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
People often hesitate to speak openly about their stress because they don’t want to “ruin the mood.” But honesty is one of the healthiest, most respectful steps you can take. Cognitive-behavioral research shows that naming emotions reduces their intensity, a process known as affect labeling.
If you are feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or frustrated about being assigned all the emotional and logistical labor, your feelings are valid. You are allowed to say:
• “I’m feeling overwhelmed and can’t manage everything alone this year.”
• “I need more support from everyone for this to be enjoyable for me.”
• “I’m starting to feel stressed, and I want to address that before it builds.”
These conversations can feel uncomfortable, especially with family. But they often create more understanding, fairness, and connection than silence ever could. Research in interpersonal communication supports this: clear emotional expression improves relationship satisfaction and reduces conflict.
Remember that rest is not optional. This time of year is notorious for disrupted routines. Yet, sleep and rest are two of the strongest buffers we have against anxiety and irritability. Sleep research from Harvard Medical School shows that consistent sleep patterns significantly reduce stress reactivity, improve mood and support emotional regulation.
Even small acts — stepping outside for a breath of cold air, dimming lights in the evening, or keeping one morning free of commitments — help regulate the nervous system. Mindfulness-based stress reduction, for example, has been shown to reduce anxiety, improve emotional resilience, and lower physiological stress markers.
It’s also important to remember that financial stress is real — and common.
With rising costs in upstate New York, many families are feeling the pinch. The National Retail Federation estimates that the average adult spends more than $875 during the holiday season, and financial strain is one of the strongest predictors of holiday stress.
You are not alone if holiday expectations feel financially impossible. Consider being transparent about limits, setting gift caps, or suggesting potluck-style gatherings. Most people appreciate these boundaries more than expected.
Also, give yourself permission to step away when needed. If family interactions become heated or emotionally draining, it’s healthy to take a brief break. Research from UC Berkeley’s Social Interaction Lab shows that short pauses during conflict reduce emotional escalation and support better self-regulation. Even a few minutes of stepping away can reset the nervous system and restore calm.
We deserve holidays that feel like joy — not obligation.
The heart of my work is reminding people that their needs matter. Traditions should not be carried by one person alone, nor should the cost of “making it magical” fall unfairly on those who already give the most.
This season, I hope our community embraces more compassion — both for others and for ourselves.
If you find yourself struggling, overwhelmed, or unable to enjoy the season, consider reaching out to a mental health professional in your area. Support is here, and you don’t need to carry everything alone.