I recently picked up a copy of the Dalton Daily Citizen’s Reader’s Choice Awards for 2024. In it, you, the residents of the area, voted for your favorite places and businesses so that the best of the best will be recognized.
There’s enough categories for the whole thing that it takes a magazine to cover the winners. There are the usual categories of Best Hamburger, Best Hot Dog, Best Pizza and Best Chicken. There are also categories that might be unique to Dalton because of the industry here, such as Industrial Supplies, Forklift Sales and Service, and, of course, Flooring.
Whatever stage of life you’re in, the best of the best doctors are named for you to go to. They have the Best Pediatrician for the new baby, Best Family Physician for the kids, Best Dermatologist for the teens, Best Plastic Surgeon for the ones that want a little something-something, Best Orthopedic for when you start getting creaky, and finally, Best Funeral Home for when you’re done.
There are some categories on there that I don’t think were around a few years ago, such as Best Cosmetic Injector. Then there are the ones that have been around since the beginning like Best Plumber or Best Place to Buy a New Car.
Well, all that “Best of” stuff is just fine, but sometimes we want to know who and where to stay away from. Sometimes knowing the “Worst of” can be just as useful. These are the things we need to just stay away from if possible and when we have that information we are empowered, as they say, to make better decisions. What we don’t get from the “Best of” list is the second best or even how much the winner won by. Was it one vote or a thousand? With that in mind, here are the Town Crier’s categories for “Worst of the Worst,” which if we knew, then we could stay away and save a lot of heartache.
Gumming up the works
Worst Grocery Store Line: I realize this is a moving target and a poll would need to be taken each week to keep it up to date, but wouldn’t it be great if we knew ahead of time which checkout line at the grocery store was going to gum up the works for us. Sometimes it’s a newbie cashier who is dealing with cash for the first time and trying to make change. Think about that for a moment.
Or maybe it’s not the cashier’s fault at all. Maybe it’s the Worst Grocery Store Shopper we should be voting on. The one that demands a price check on an item from the furthest shelf in the back of the store. Or they have some issue with their check or the amount of “cash back” they want and while your ice cream is melting the cashier is trying to get the manager to the front to OK the deal.
And then there’s the customer who insists they have a membership card or number to get the loyalty discounts and then insists on trying to dig it out of their purse or wallet. When the cashier offers the person to let them use the store discount card they are waved off as the person is intent on proving that they indeed have the card themself.
It’s not much better in the self-checkout lines as they can get backed up as well. This person pressed the wrong number, that grandma needs to have her age verified on her driver’s license before she can buy wine, and that person just doesn’t seem to know exactly how the whole thing is supposed to work. And to top it all off, if you’re like me, you shop hungry.
It’s enough to give you an earache
Worst Phone Hold Music: Oh, you’re getting put on hold and you know it. Sometimes they have a robot voice that tells you that the average waiting time until you can speak to a human is 20 minutes or more. Or you’ve just pushed the buttons 1 through 9 on the phone until you’ve rubbed the numbers off to get through a labyrinth of choices only to get put on hold. But you’re getting put on hold.
And the thing that adds insult to injury is if the hold music is terrible. There are several ways it can be bad. It can be a dinky melody played on a child’s electronic-sounding toy piano so it’s like you’re at a day care center somewhere, or it can be staticky so whatever the music is, it’s playing all garbled, or it’s short and syrupy and plays over and over again. It’s enough to give you an earache.
Refueling a race car
Worst Nurse With a Needle: This may be a little unfair because this category is there because I hate needles so much. You’ve either experienced it or heard stories. I’ve had three different nurses one time try and get an IV line into my hands. First one tried the right hand and then another tried the left. The less success they have the more determined they get, and that’s where it gets, well, sticky. They get a look of concentration on their face as they focus on the task at hand and start searching for that vein. Ouch! I’m all for pride of craftsmanship but I’m the one getting stuck.
And as for shots, heaven help the patient that gets it where you sit and they push that needle full of thick medicine that burns and hurts simultaneously at a speed that makes it seem like they are trying to refuel a race car during a NASCAR pit stop. Look, these are trained Angels of Mercy, but the truth is some baseball players are better than others even though they play for the same coach.
Is it intentional?
Worst Traffic Light: Now I know everyone in town has a nominee for this one. If we could actually figure out which of the traffic lights in town was the worst one maybe we could avoid it and take alternate routes and actually get to where we’re going without the hassle of the delay.
I was trying to think of the lights around town that seem to take forever and at times seem to intentionally skip your turn when you’re trying to turn left. And in a hurry. I know several intersections where I would nominate the traffic light as the worst, like when the line backs up and the light gives just enough time for a handful of cars to get through before it stops you, forcing you to sit through another cycle.
Something else I find oddly annoying is when I get all green lights, because then I see it really doesn’t take much time at all to get to my destination, and simultaneously I know I’ll never get all greens on that route again.
So what’s your nomination? Something in town? Out on the bypass? Somewhere along Walnut Avenue? I’m starting to think there may be a number of Worst Traffic Lights out there.
You just take what they give you
Worst Garbled Drive-Thru Speaker: You’re hungry, you’re picking up food for the whole family or a bunch of friends and you get to the drive-thru speaker and you get to play a game of verbal tennis with the order taker on the other side of the microphone. It’s garbled and staticky and then, because of the back and forth, you’re both talking over each other as you’re trying to get your order in and they are repeating it back, so you say it again and they think it’s a new order.
After the back and forth you finally give up and take what they give you, hoping it bears some resemblance to what you were wanting. If the Reader’s Worst Choice could vote on this category then perhaps something would get done about it. Because really, results and change is what we want from a “Worst of” competition. With the “Best of” competition we want it to stay the same. When there’s a mistake because of a speaker being bad, it never seems to come out to my advantage. Maybe if I incorrectly got a milkshake every once in a while I wouldn’t be so touchy about the whole thing.
Ambushed?
Worst Home Cooked Meal at a Friend’s House: This is a pretty personal category and there’s a chance no two readers would vote on the same “Worst.” But we’ve all got a story to tell. Perhaps you were at a friend’s house for the first time and got ambushed. Maybe you thought they were, surely, a good cook, and went hungry only to leave hungry and sad. Or what if it was at the in-laws’ house and you didn’t want to hurt any feelings although you knew it wasn’t going to turn out good for you. As for me, it was the tuna casserole surprise. And boy, was I surprised.
Being the “Best” at something puts a lot of pressure on you. You’ve got a reputation to keep. But being the “Worst” at something might initially be a disappointment but there’s only one way to go and that’s up. It could be liberating, giving one the impetus to improve and get better. Well, maybe not if you’re a traffic light.
Mark Hannah, a Dalton native, works in video and film production.