As for pure popcorn movies, I reckon “Godzilla x Kong: A New Empire” is one of the better ones we’ll probably see in 2024. By the way, I might have that title backwards, it could be “Kong x Godzilla.” Come to think of it, the subtitle might be something else, too. But I know it’s got the word “Empire” in it, that’s for sure. That makes two columns in a row where the featured presentation has the word “Empire” in it, by the way. Who says Hollywood doesn’t have a knack for playing follow the leader?
Now, if you missed the last Godzilla vs. King Kong movie you might be a little confused about what’s supposed to be going on here. Well, the long and short of it is that King Kong has decided to take an early retirement in this place called Hollow Earth, which … is exactly what it sounds like. Meanwhile, Godzilla has taken out a timeshare at the Colosseum in Rome and emerges every now and then so he can have karate fights with random monsters that threaten the world’s logistics distribution network. Or something like that.
So basically, the gist of it is that Kong and Godzilla ain’t exactly friends, but they have something of a mutual respect for one another. You know, that whole “You don’t get in my lane and I won’t get in yours” policy.
But you see, Kong is a bit on the depressed side ‘cause he realizes he’s the last of his kind. Or at least he thinks he’s the last of his kind. I suppose I ain’t spoiling too much when the commercials show the evil “Scar King” monkey that’s holding his kind hostage, so there’s that.
All I can say is that for a movie about Godzilla and King Kong it sure does have a lot of subplots in it. For one, there’s a side story about Kong becoming the adoptive father of this impressionable little baby Kong. Then there’s another one about the evil monkey leader using this ice-spewing Godzilla cousin as a weapon of mass destruction. And then there’s the human cast in the movie, which includes everybody from a deaf girl who thinks she’s the last of her tribe to some conspiracy theorist podcaster. Oh, and the British guy always wearing a Hawaiian shirt who can’t go anywhere without blasting some boomer ‘70s rock music. EVERY movie like this has to have that stock character in it, for some reason.
Therein is the intrinsic problem of a movie about King Kong and Godzilla. The whole reason people buy a ticket is to see King Kong and Godzilla stomp all over a bunch of major metropolitan areas. Do we really even NEED human characters coming along and slowing down the action? See, all of the old school Japanese Godzilla movies got this thing right. You’ve got five minutes of plot upfront, then 85 minutes of dudes in crummy rubber suits karate kicking cardboard buildings and blasting fireworks at each other. It ain’t rocket science. Heck, it’s not even gluing Popsicle sticks together. As much as it pains these big shot Hollywood screenwriters, sometimes, the low effort approach is simply better.
The monster kung fu in this one is pretty good, even if they do rely a tad too much on the computer-generated effects, which somehow look even FAKER than the old ‘70s movies. I’m guessing a lot of the story was plugged in after the fact. That’s evident by a scene where King Kong breaks his arm and what do you know, the human characters just so happen to have a spare, giant-ape-sized robo fist in the glove compartment.
They try to add some depth and nuance to the monsters, to the point the catalyst for the whole movie is pretty much King Kong experiencing a toothache. But that all takes a backseat to the inevitable demolition derby in Rio de Janiero — say what you will about the film as a whole, but when it comes time to break stuff, they pull out all the stops.
It has its faults and flaws, obviously, but I guess it’s still worthy of a respectable TWO AND A HALF PIECES OF POPCORN OUT OF FOUR rating. When a movie’s official fast-food tie-in is with Circle K, you know EXACTLY what you’re getting into before you buy a ticket.