Dear Style & Substance,
To the outside world, I look put together, confident, happy. I used to feel this way but have had some recent setbacks and feel mostly down on myself. How can I find my confidence again?
Often after a loss or set back, we lose our sense of self, our energy, our juju. Think of getting it back as a return journey home — you can get back to where you were or beyond.
Self-doubt thrives in fear. When you welcome or acknowledge doubt as a natural partner in facing a challenge, you diminish fear and open possibilities for growth. Doubt can become a catalyst for change. Doubt presents a list of what can go wrong. When you can take a realistic look and counter with all that can go right, you have faced down doubt. You can begin to reclaim your, or even find new, gifts and strengths.
“Don’t be flirting with your gift, you better marry it.” — Rapsody
For our readers who are not quite sure, let’s take a look at what self-doubt sounds like.
Some of us are better at batting the “loathing” noise away or letting it just slide off. However, we can all recognize our own defeatist thoughts. It can be your inner imposter saying, “Who am I to do this?” Your perfectionist self saying, “What if I say or do the wrong thing?” Your second-guessing self questioning, “Am I sure? Am I not sure?” Your inadequate or lacking self whispering, “I’m not smart enough.” Your internal procrastinator muttering, “Maybe next time, when I am more prepared.” We’ve all had uncertainty with internal monologues that takes a strong hold, stopping us in our tracks. What we want to do is turn this thriving fear into flourishing freedom.
A first step is envisioning where you want to be. You cannot get there if you do not know where you are going. Remember, you are still you despite a setback, perhaps more so now that you have experienced failure and kept standing. The process of coming back can make you stronger than where you were. Don’t rush the process, as this path may have steps along the way or perches to fly to for a rest, review and recharge before taking the next step.
Confronting doubt is not easy and may require some new tools. We have found that having a personal mantra can be very healing and powerful. Mantras are sacred sounds or words we can use to heal and to connect to our deepest — fearful and self-doubting — selves.
Traditional mantras are written in Sanskrit, one of the oldest languages known to humankind. The ancients knew that mantras offered a universal message. Even if we do not understand the words, meaning arises from repetition and focus, of connecting to the universal, but, more importantly, the personal truths they evoke.
You can utilize a traditional mantra: Om Namah Shivaya is one I (Michele) use every day. This mantra is often thought of as “the five-syllable-mantra,” calling forward the five elements of earth, water, fire, air and space. It is a Vedic mantra said to be both purifying and healing. Chanting this daily helps me to let go, begin anew and realign. Being in this space helps me to also repair what needs to be healed. If this does not feel right to you, create your own mantra. Choose words or phrases that evoke what you want more of and release those things no longer needed.
Mantras can be constructed for a day and let go or remain for a lifetime. If it lifts you up, encourages you and makes you smile, that’s worth repeating. Movement with mantra works best for Sally. I fill in the blanks to design my own present-day affirmation. I am breathing out, contracting fear, disappointment, frustration, rejection, and breathing in, expanding belief, momentum and creativity. I often add a visual of contraction with breath downward and out, cold and heavy, followed by expansion breathing inward and up, warm and light. Using my arms may seem dramatic, but it magnifies the letting go of the negative energy deep into the earth and welcomes and embraces the positive energy of the universe. If self-doubt is defeat, then belief, even if it isn’t successful, is victory. New words and movement can get your mind and body engaged and flowing in a new direction.
“When you switch from a negative mindset to a learning mindset, all disappointment, embarrassment and self-hatred disappear.” — brendon.com
Lastly, don’t get hung up on old or specific outcomes. Expanding means you are open to wherever your momentum and positive energy lead you.