As a self-employed writer, I’ve become knowledgeable about how high my income taxes really are. Every now and then I like to reply to readers with tax advice.
Q: Dear Tom, they say the only things certain in life are death and taxes, but could I still pay taxes when I am gone? (Curious in California)
A: Dear Curious, you could. Every now and then the federal government raises taxes retroactively. When this happens, the recently dead must pay higher taxes on their prior year’s income. But it’s not like they are going to complain about it!
Q: Dear Tom, my dog won’t stop howling. What could it be? (Ned from Nevada)
A: Dear Ned, you appear to have the wrong advice column, but let me try to help. It could be that your dog is self-employed and he just realized how high his income taxes really are.
Q: Dear Tom, someone also told me I’m paying taxes on gasoline, utility bills, retail goods and in many other ways I’m not even aware of. (Really Mad in Madison)
A: Dear Mad in Madison, you are correct, sir! If you were to calculate all the taxes you are paying, you would soon discover that more than half of your money is supporting some government body somewhere.
Q: Dear Tom, my dog is still howling, but now I have a bigger problem. My wife is howling, too. (Ned, still from Nevada)
A: Dear Ned, don’t worry. Your wife is probably worried about taxes going up even more, depending on who the next president is. Maybe you should give your wife some scotch.
Q: Dear Tom, didn’t FDR say of Social Security that “No damn politician will ever take it away?” (Curious in Columbus)
A: Dear Curious, yes, FDR did say that, and he was right. However, politicians will have to keep taking more of our money through taxes, or cut Social Security payments, to keep the program going.
Q: Dear Tom, what is a tax bracket? (Annoyed in Minnesota)
A: Dear Annoyed, a tax bracket is a heavy metal object that the government uses to hit you over the head every time you succeed in pushing your income up.
Q: Dear Tom, then what is the capital gains tax? (Still Annoyed in Minnesota)
A: Dear Still Annoyed, the capital gains tax is a heavy metal object that the government uses to hit you over the head every time you succeed in selling an asset for more than you paid for it.
Q: Dear Tom, European countries pay a lot more in taxes than we do. We don’t pay enough. (Higher Taxes Are Good)
A: Dear Higher Taxes Are Good, many European countries have higher unemployment and slower economic growth as a result. At 7.3%, France’s unemployment rate is double the rate in the U.S. Of course, our government has spent $35 trillion more than it has taken in in taxes and our taxes are eventually going to have to go up to pay for years of reckless spending.
Q: Dear Tom, my dog and wife are still howling, but now we’re out of scotch. What should I do? (Ned, still from Nevada)
A: Dear Ned, give your dog and wife gin, bourbon, valium or anything else you can find. And if you have anything you can spare, please share it with me. Thanks to all this talk about taxes and government debt, I suddenly can’t stop howling, either!
Tom Purcell’s syndicated column, humor books and videos featuring his dog, Thurber, can be found at TomPurcell.com. Email him at Tom@TomPurcell.com.