When you’re in a theater watching a movie that isn’t working as well as it should be, do you ever ask yourself: “why am I still sitting here?” Have you ever grabbed what’s left of your $50 worth of popcorn, candy and soda and walked out? It’s easier in your private home to quit a film, but there’s something about the public moviegoing experience that compels people to stay through to the bitter end. There’s always the hope — or in some cases, the chance — that what’s up on the screen might improve.
The other day I was in a theater watching “Argylle,” the new spy caper adventure comedy from director Matthew Vaughn. I use the words “caper,” “adventure,” and “comedy” loosely. About an hour into this demented 139-minute slog of nothingness, I wished I could leave. After a dozen or so story twists and delirious turns of what must pass for plot somewhere, maybe on Mars, I knew instinctively that the movie wasn’t going to get any better.
However, because it’s my job, I stayed. The plot twists continued — I stopped counting at 18 — and those characters who kept changing their job titles or chasing the wrong person became more annoying than seemed humanly possible. What feels like reality isn’t. Things that wouldn’t make sense from an action standpoint even in a Looney Tunes cartoon are presented as if they were as common as water flowing over Niagara Falls.
“Argylle” is an overcooked, overstuffed, overwrought mess. Frankly, people should get their money back even if they only thought about going to see the film.
The movie opens with an action sequence that is loads of fun. Unbelievable, but fun. Then the audience learns that all of it was merely someone reading aloud the words from a spy novel. That someone is Elly Conway (acted by Bryce Dallas Howard). She’s a novelist, and she writes thrillers. Her heroic spy is Agent Aubrey Argylle. On a train, Conway, a good person, or so we think, is attacked by bad people. She’s rescued by a fellow named Aidan (played by Sam Rockwell). Unbeknownst to her, he’s on the train because she is. It seems that evildoers from something called the Division want her eliminated because her books hit too close to home. It’s as if she knows what they’re really up to. Aidan is watching over her because he’s a spy who has to stop the Division from doing worse things, including something to do with computers. “Oh no,” you may moan, “not computers, again.” Yessiree. This is probably only fitting because the Apple company forked over the money to make the picture to the tune of two hundred million dollars and will eventually show it on Apple TV.
Anyway, “Argylle” genuinely goes bonkers. The pages of the novel turn real. The actions of actual living and breathing characters might be in someone’s imagination. Or not. The main fictional character in Conway’s books — Mr. Argylle, himself — might really exist. Or does he? Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t because moviegoers are spun around so many times, they will become dizzy from all the red herrings and never-ending gaggle of villains and plots to thwart the villains. A lot of what goes on is inexplicable. Is Conway a spy, too? How many multiple realities can you handle?
Argylle, a handsome, dapper, English chap is played by Henry Cavill sporting a flattop haircut and a green velour sport jacket. Cavill has had an interesting career, including playing Superman for a while. He was going to play Superman again, but then he wasn’t. Cavill has done other action pictures. His one purely comic credit is in director Woody Allen’s 2009 box office hit “Whatever Works.” He has a supporting role and proves he has the chops to do romantic comedy. I like his presence as an actor, and he’s a good guest on “The Graham Norton Show.” Although Cavill leans towards doing action pictures, he has a specific modern style that would work well in the hands of a careful director.
Alas, Vaughn is not that careful. Not with Cavill, not with the rest of the cast, and not with whatever the story is he’s trying to tell, which is written by Jason Fuchs. Vaughn seems to have thrown everything against the wall hoping something would stick. I like his 2014 caper thriller “Kingsman: The Secret Service.” “Argylle” isn’t in the same league.
It would be wrong to reveal more of what goes on in “Argylle, because that would be unfair to you if you’re going to a theater to see the movie. It’s filled with multiple notes of illusion and reality, as well as multiple personalities and tricks and traps up the sleeves of many people. You’ll recognize tropes and tactics from other action films, including those featuring James Bond and Jason Bourne.
You’ll also recognize most of the faces in the ensemble cast, which includes Catherine O’Hara, Richard E. Grant, Ariana DeBose, Samuel L. Jackson, Bryan Cranston, John Cena, Dua Lipa, and Sofia Boutella. There’s also a cat named Chip, who plays Alfie.
I know, I know. If I’m reduced to mentioning a cat in the cast, things really are iffy. Rockwell and Howard, as protector and protectee, do have a good rapport as they rappel the mayhem. The often exceedingly violent, but viscerally slam-bang lunatic action sequences are superbly edited and staged. Ultimately, the nonsense turns tedious and the bedlam befuddles. There is an extra end credits scene, which connects to Vaughn’s directing career.
Interestingly, in 2004 in London, a friend and I were walking down Kings Road in the Chelsea district of England’s capital city, and we came upon a multiplex movie theater that shows independent features. I like to see films in foreign cities — Paris is the best — so we went in and chose “Layer Cake,” a very good crime movie that was Vaughn’s directorial debut. The film proved that he was a promising new visual artist. He’s done well until “Argylle.”