There is a space that few people talk about. It’s the space between staying and leaving. The place where you consistently wonder if things can get better, where you question yourself, replay conversations, the agonizing back and forth, weighing the hope against the hurt. It’s the months or years of wondering if things can change. It is a space filled with uncertainty, grief, fear, and often, loneliness. It can be one of the most emotionally exhausting places to live.
This article isn’t about telling you whether to stay or leave. It’s about acknowledging how difficult it is to live in that space and reminding you not to lose yourself while you’re there.
When one or both partners are struggling in the relationship, there are many paths that can be taken; Open communication about needs, marriage therapy, reevaluations and negotiations of the relationship, a reset, a break. But let’s be real. Those things are hard, can go on for a long time.
So, what is one to do about the relationship?
This article is not intended to give you that answer. Because sometimes you are right in the middle of it and just not ready. Not ready for the answer, not ready for the questions that lead to an answer, not ready for the pain that comes with facing it all or having the capacity to take the first step.
What I can do though is offer the invitation for you to look at yourself and ask what you want. What are your needs?
How to take care of you, while in this space?
Making space for yourself while navigating difficult decisions is no easy task. Whether you’re working on the relationship, questioning whether you can keep going, deciding to try harder, discovering what you truly want, or recognizing the limits of what you can carry, it takes emotional energy that is often in short supply.
When you are in this space between leaving or staying, one can become consumed with “fixing” the relationship to avoid a break-up. But what can sometimes happen here is we lose sense of ourselves, forgetting to care for our needs and wants, isolating and avoid reaching out for help from others. We live in a bubble of “fixing” and can neglect ourselves and our networks of support.
Some might argue that if you want to fix the relationship, you must be “all in” and put everything into that mission. I agree that it takes attention and intention to make a change, especially in the dynamics of a relationship re-building and re-structuring. But if we forget about ourselves, it can lead to more resentment in the relationship, tainting the quest for resolve. And more damaging, it can also lead to not honoring what we really want and complying with the status quo. “It is what it is” or “everything is fine” is not honoring of yourself in this space.
So, my encouragement is this: Don’t lose yourself while trying to save your relationship — or deciding whether it’s time to let it go. Don’t disappear. Continue to care for yourself. Reach out to trusted supports. Speak with a counselor. Keep doing the things that remind you of who you are outside of the conflict.
You do not have to have all the answers. You don’t have to decide whether to stay or leave before you’re ready. Sometimes the most important work isn’t fixing the relationship, it’s reconnecting with yourself so that, when the time comes, you can make decisions from a place of clarity rather than fear.
Whether your relationship heals, changes, or comes to an end, your well-being matters. The relationship you have with yourself is the one that will remain through every chapter of your life. Take care of that relationship, too.