Dear Annie: My 13-year-old daughter recently came home from two weeks at sleepaway camp, where she became very close to another girl in her bunk. At first, I was thrilled. My daughter has always been a little shy, and she came home talking nonstop about how funny, confident and “grown-up” this new friend seemed.
A few days later, I learned that the girl had been encouraging my daughter to kiss boys during evening activities and had tried to convince her to sneak alcohol from an older camper’s bag. My daughter insists that she did not drink anything, but she admitted that she kissed a boy because she was afraid the other girls would call her immature. She said everyone was doing it and that she did not want to be left out.
Since returning home, she has been texting this friend constantly. She turns her phone over when I enter the room, stays up later than she is allowed and has become unusually defensive. When I gently asked about the friendship, she accused me of judging her and said I never let her make her own choices.
My first instinct is to forbid the friendship and take away her phone. But I worry that doing so will only make this girl more appealing and teach my daughter to hide things from me. I want her to know she can come to me when she feels pressured or makes a mistake. At the same time, she is only 13, and I cannot ignore behavior involving alcohol, secrecy and pressure from peers.
How do I set firm boundaries while keeping the lines of communication open? I want to protect my daughter without pushing her further toward the very influence that worries me.
— Worried at Home
Dear Worried: First off, it’s a great sign that your daughter told you about this. It shows that she trusts you — and trust is the most valuable trait in a relationship between parent and child. Try to get curious about the situation. Ask what she likes about this girl and how she felt when she was pressured. Then be clear: You should never kiss someone out of fear, and drinking alcohol at 13 is not harmless experimentation.
You do not have to ban your daughter from continuing this friendship immediately, but you can limit late-night texting and keep a closer eye on contact. The goal is not to choose her friends for her. It is to help her recognize when a friend is asking her to betray her own good judgment.
•••
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 15 years, and we agree on most things except how to spend our free time. I love to travel. Even a long weekend in a new city makes me feel excited and alive. I enjoy planning the itinerary, trying local restaurants and coming home with stories and memories. My husband would rather stay home, work in the yard, watch a game and sleep in his own bed.
Whenever I suggest a trip, he immediately starts listing the cost, the airport delays, the crowds and everything that could go wrong. Last year, I planned a four-day trip for our anniversary, and he spent most of the time complaining about the hotel mattress and how much everything cost. I came home feeling more disappointed than refreshed.
Lately, I have started traveling with my sister or a close friend, but my husband gets quiet and hurt when I go without him. He says married couples should want to experience things together. I agree, but I also do not think I should have to give up something that brings me so much joy. At the same time, when he suggests another quiet weekend at home, I feel restless and trapped.
I love my husband and enjoy the life we have built, but I am beginning to resent always having to choose between traveling without him and staying home unhappy. How can two people with completely different ideas of adventure find a compromise that does not leave either one feeling rejected?
— Packed and Ready
Dear Packed and Ready: Marriage does not require two people to share every interest. It requires them to respect what brings the other person joy.
Plan one or two trips a year that suit you both, perhaps somewhere relaxing with fewer crowds and less rushing. Then travel with your sister or friends without guilt, while encouraging your husband to enjoy his time at home. Compromise should stretch both people a little, not leave one person permanently stuck on the couch.
It may help to talk less about the destination and more about what travel means to each of you. For you, it sounds like adventure, discovery and making memories. For him, home may represent comfort, security and peace of mind. Neither perspective is wrong, but understanding the feelings beneath your preferences can make compromise feel less like sacrifice.