A few weeks ago, I presided at a memorial service for a young man who took his own life. Each family member and friend I spoke with told me the same thing, “We did not see this coming. He never talked about what was going on inside.”
There are many reasons we may resist sharing what we are thinking or how we are feeling. Some people think to themselves, “Compared to her, what’s going on with me is unimportant.” Still others hold onto a false belief that they are supposed to be perfect, so acknowledging their problems can feel threatening, even shameful. Men may believe that it is unmanly to admit their struggles.
When you’ve grown up in a family where someone has a chronic illness or condition, it’s quite possible that you internalize a message that your needs aren’t as important as others. This can have a lasting, detrimental effect on your ability to be able to notice and name your feelings and needs. If you have a habit of not sharing what burdens your heart, you may feel frozen or numb inside.
Online culture can be like toxic fuel in the face of “perfection” culture, especially for young people. Who posts a picture from when they first get out of bed? Who uploads a selfie when they are feeling lonely or scared? Who presents an image of family disharmony? If you compare the struggles in your own life to the seeming perfection of others, you may be afraid to admit your truth. Trust me, the folks who only post images of perfection have plenty of struggles, too. They just aren’t sharing them. I’ve not met a perfect person yet. Have you?
Or what about the message, “boys don’t cry.” How many males have had their feelings and thoughts shut down because of a flawed definition of masculinity? That any expression of sadness, grief, or distress is unacceptable? This way of thinking creates a twisted ideal that can shame men when they are struggling. Perhaps this is why 70% of those who take their own lives are men.
But, unless we express what troubles us, we may be unable to identify creative ways forward. Feelings that get bottled up are more likely to be “managed” in ways that can make our situations even worse — such as addictions to food, technology, alcohol, and drugs.
We all need someone who can listen to us with attention and care. In the poem “Listen” the anonymous writer says, “Perhaps that’s why, for some people, prayer works, because God is mute, and doesn’t give advice or try to fix what we must take care of ourselves.”
The young man who ended his life a few weeks ago was surrounded by people who would have listened, if he had taken the uncomfortable step of sharing what burdened his heart. They would have done anything they could to help him, if they had only known what was going on inside of him.
It’s often the challenge we are most reluctant to talk about that is most important to share. Don’t wait. Don’t let what troubles you on the inside build up so much that you feel you can no longer go on.
Do you have someone you can talk to? I hope so. But, if you can’t identify a friend or family member whom you think can hear what you have to say, there are clergy persons and counselors across Cape Ann who want to help. No one in this community needs to conclude that taking their life is a better option than sharing their thoughts and feelings, no matter how difficult.
The Rev. Sue Koehler-Arsenault is the pastor of the Annisquam Village Church. You can read her sermons and sign-up for her daily messages at annisquamvillagechurch.org. Midweek Musings rotates among Cape Ann clergy.