A trauma bond is one that forms as a result of harmful, intense, and emotional life circumstances. It often occurs between someone who has suffered abuse and an abuser, similar to Stockholm syndrome. This type of relationship leaves the abused individual emotionally and sometimes physically indebted to the abuser.
In a trauma bond, a sense of loyalty is bestowed, even to the individual’s detriment. A specific set of circumstances — usually those of negative impact — can tie a victim to another person in an unhealthy and harmful way. This is often seen in adults who were abused as a child. If you come from an abusive family, and your caregiver was also your abuser, you may feel like, in order to be loved, you also have to be abused. This is because your brain associates love with abuse, which can set a skewed perimeter for romantic relationships.
Often times, this type of relationship is justified by the abused because the feeling of abuse fulfills a normalcy within themselves. Or, they see that they are meeting some sort of need for their abuser. This can make a victim feel useful, which can perpetuate a false sense of love and belonging. Especially if they were abused as a child, they are more willing to accept the abuse over the fear of being alone or abandoned.
What are the signs of traumatic bonding?
You feel like you cannot escape your partner.You feel like your needs are not being met in the relationship, but you’re afraid to speak up and ask for anything for yourself.You “walk on eggshells” around your partner, afraid of saying or doing anything that might elicit a negative reaction from them.Your friends and family have expressed concerns about your relationship.You can’t bring yourself to speak negatively about your partner to anyone, for fear of betraying them.
Why do people stay in trauma bonds?
Most abusers will offer enough positive reinforcement to give the victim hope that things will change. This positivity will be inconsistent, surface level, and insincere. These types of relationships can be very addictive, and a victim may feel like they want to stay even if they’ve identified how harmful it can be. There are often just enough periods of peace and calm in between the storms to create a false sense of safety, or even a false reality. This false reality can seem almost utopian like to the abused — much like a high — making it even harder to leave the relationship.
How to get out of a trauma bond?
Commit to living in reality. Try not to fantasize about what “could be” in your relationship. Even if you choose to stay in the relationship for the time being, be honest with yourself about what is really happening. Don’t sugarcoat things, or falsify the facts.Own that reality. Be honest with yourself and others about how you feel. Say it out loud. If you feel trapped, say it out loud. Even if it’s just to yourself. Try to say it to someone you trust. If you feel scared, make a list of reasons why.Don’t try to rush to change. Make healthy decisions one at a time, and live with that change before moving on to the next one. Try not to live in absolutes. It will be incredibly daunting to make permanent change if you start with things like “I can never see my abuser again.” That will only incite panic and a sense of failure. Start instead with “I need to allow healthier people back into my life.” Work on prioritizing those healthy relationships over the unhealthy one.Recognize and admit the way you’re feeling. The fact is, you WILL miss your abuser. Ending a relationship, even an unhealthy one, is a grieving process. Allow yourself to feel the way you feel, and put a name to it. Instead of reaching out to them when you miss them, reach out to a friend or family member. As previously mentioned, many trauma bonds have an addiction like quality to them. You may find that having a specific person for accountability, almost like a sponsor, will help.Find a therapist. Once you start recognizing and admitting your feelings, you’ll need help processing them. While a friend or family member may make a good sponsor or accountability partner, you will need someone trained to help you navigate your emotions. Without proper, healthy processing, the person leaving a toxic relationship is likely to find themselves in another one.
Perhaps you’re reading this and while it doesn’t apply to you, it sounds like someone you know or love. Nothing feels more helpless than suspecting or even knowing that someone you care about is in a toxic relationship, and not being able to do anything about it. Here are some steps you can take:
Talk to them. Don’t confront or accuse. Approach the conversation from a place of compassion and concern. Talk about how you feel about what you’re seeing them go through, and then stay quiet long enough to listen. There may be long and even uncomfortable silences, but that’s OK. Don’t feel like you need to fill the silence. Just wait patiently. They may not choose to open up, but it’s better to leave room for them than to talk over them and control the narrative. Remember, this is their relationship, not yours, and it won’t help to come across as judgmental.Don’t use the word ‘abuse.’ Your loved one may not realize that they’re being abused. Instead, bring up things you’ve seen their partner do or words you’ve heard their partner say that you felt were unhealthy and harmful, and ask about those specific situations. Do not bring up incidents that you haven’t who care about them.Do not issue ultimatums. The worst thing you can do in these situations is create an “us against them” mentality for the abused and their abuser. The abuser is likely already planting doubt in the victim’s head to make them believe that no one else will stand by them, increasing their fear of abandonment.Do not place blame. Regardless of your personal feelings about their relationship, it is never the victim’s fault. Even if you think it should be easy for them to leave, it is not.Give them time. A victim of abuse has to come to the decision on their own to leave the harmful situation. Offer solutions, such as a place to stay, the number of an abuse hotline or a referral to a local therapist. Don’t push. When the time comes that they decide to leave, they will know that you’re willing to help.
If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, you can get help by calling 1-800-799-SAFE.