Ten years ago I earned my Uncertified Life Coaching credentials. As such, I was given the opportunity (and privilege) of helping folks from countless places live their lives to the mediumest. For an entire decade I have helped pretend people – just like you! – navigate modern dilemmas, from online squabbles to pet mishaps to unsatisfactory election results. Through it all, though, one message has stayed the same: I am not a real life coach.
It says that in the name.
I recently turned 50, which means my non-credentials have been rounded up to “Copper.” This upgrade gives me even more gravitas. This upgrade gives me access to an entire new decade of life experience, and so, with that in mind, let’s begin an exciting new season of answering pretend questions!
Question One: “Help! I think my country is lurching toward civil war and also the regular kind of war. At the same time! Is this normal?”
Answer: While it’s certainly not recommended to simultaneously flex your territorial ambitions while fermenting domestic unrest, you’d be surprised at just how often that does happen. Just as a rude neighbor might want to“borrow” your mineral rights while also forgetting to put the toilet seat up in his own bathroom, those same thuggish impulses can manifest themselves on the world stage. In other words, it’s not at all surprising that your country is courting both a literal civil war and potential international conflicts. Good luck!
Question: “Wait…WHAT?! Uh, hold on. So, like, what am I supposed to do, though? I’m not a lawmaker, I’m not a big-time donor, I’m not even an internet celebrity. I’m just a person. I’ve never lived in a country slouching toward self-destructive authoritarianism. I thought this stuff just happened in different countries. How should I respond?”
Answer: Puh-lease. Lots of people live through authoritarian regimes and do just fine, especially if they “vote” the right way. Even if your country doesn’t pretend to have real elections, anymore, though, you can still do all right for yourself if you just parrot whatever the party wants you to say. And if that doesn’t jive with your moral compass, there are ways to casually resist and avoid prison.
For a while.
Here is a list of things you can do to “fight-the-fight,” so to speak, and also help you sleep at night:
(This list has been redacted)
Question Three: “I think the ice-maker in my fridge is on the fritz, but I would rather ignore it. Any advice?”
Answer: You should probably get that fixed. Physics reminds us that everything – eventually – falls apart. Whatever appliance you have in your home, left to its own devices it will eventually break and flood your kitchen. I know this from experience, and so the sooner you take care of this the better.
Speaking of “broken appliances,” this actually reminds me of something I should have mentioned earlier. For the gentleman whining about the corrosion of the entire world order from earlier in this column, I now have some questions for you:
Did the country you’re referencing allow special interests to hijack your lawmaking body?
Did your country allow states to gerrymander districts so grotesquely that only the loudest (and often dumbest) and most extreme candidates get elected?
And did you, (considering the previously two mentioned realities), give your lawmakers almost guaranteed job security by not requiring term-limits?
If you can say “yes” to those three “broken appliances,” then you shouldn’t be surprised your kitchen is flooded. You basically left the water running yourself.
Mixing metaphors now in closing, we should consider that dictators usually don’t kick open our front door and start rearranging the furniture. Dictators are usually invited in by someone in the house who is so disgusted with the way the house is functioning that they believe it when he says he’s just an interior designer. Unfortunately, many will continue to believe it when he says he’s only burning the furniture to keep warm, and some will even hand him the matches.