International law enforcement authorities have been combing the Eastern Seaboard for clues to the whereabouts of two desperadoes apparently roaming cities and towns and impersonating The Beatles.
These two perps have been claiming that they, in fact, ARE the Fab Four in sight and sound and, of course, their cheeky behavior. Interpol, the worldwide police investigative unit, has narrowed its search in recent days. So narrow, indeed, that they have dropped the case altogether — an interesting and disappointing strategic development.
ICE was too busy to help out, so it assigned the case to its subordinate affiliate SLUSH which handles English language impersonations and bad accents in their Beatle Police Division. After along pursuit, the BPD, have run the repeat offenders to ground here in Essex County and suspect they are hiding out somewhere in Gloucester. Mayor Paul Lundberg has promised the full co-operation of all departments, except the DPW road crews who are out plowing and salting all the day long. He blames these two escaped Beatle perps for the continuing snowfall and hopes to quickly put an end to their reign of rain, frozen, aka snow.
Authorities have received an encrypted message, spelled out in detail on the front steps of City Hall with fish guts and tails — in script, of course — that appears to point to their local identities. It reads:
“We’re sorry, but we cant help it. I was born a Beatle and so was Dave. That’s what we are. If you wanna sing like a Beatle, you have to think like a Beatle. Get used to it! Learn the words and sing along!!”
Local police and the BPD have set up a sting operation to flush the two troublemakers to ground. The “Sting Op” is actually a “Sing Op”, involving Gloucester’s most hospitable, cozy and well-meaning pub, The Rhumb Line, to attempt to lure them in. Very convenient. A SLUSH spokesman released this statement over the weekend, “These two obviously can’t resist a chance to show off their powers of Beatle banter and so we’ve set up a honey trap of sorts to catch them. A joint force will be standing by to move in when we hear the accents.The music will be right down the street from the train station. Very convenient. The two will flash down the street, sing their illicit ‘Beatle thing,’ and attempt to get back on that train. But right there is when we’ll get ‘em!”
Reporters asked the joint force how will they know? Do they have any suspects? What will they do when they catch them?
An anonymous off-duty local police source gave us an off-the-record, out-of-bounds, over-the-rainbow thumbnail of an answer: “According to local scuttlebutt from down the docks, a local sailor — a likely cover story — has maintained for years that to sound like a Beatle, you have to think like a Beatle and he claims that he has done it. That’s too much if a coincidence— it’s all we need, we’ll get ‘em!”
So, apparently, the working [olice theory is that if you would like to hear Beatle Songs sung as they sang them, visit The Rhumb Line this Friday, Feb 20, from 5:30-& 7:30 and catch Dave Koen and Gordon Baird before the Beatle Police catch them. Baird, in particular, maintains and rants that “the songs hafta sound like all their Beatles voices blending together, just how you heard them off the record back then. You’ve got to be John, Paul, George and even Ringo, woven together. To do that with just two, obviously, you have to be a Beatle. We can’t help it!”
Come to The Rhumb Line and show your cheeky demeanor and cheer on, sing on and dote on some of the best (and hardest) Beatle songs. No cover charge and great drinks, plus everybody knows your name at The Rhumb Line. That’s why the Beatle Police are in such hot pursuit — because Gordon and Dave aren’t registered trademarks, nor have they been knighted by the Queen.
Yet.
Gloucester resident Gordon Baird is an actor and musician, co-founder of Musician Magazine and producer of “The Chicken Shack” community access TV show.