Dear Annie: My 14-year-old daughter spends far too much time on social media, and I am beginning to see it affect her mood, confidence and sleep.
She checks her phone the moment she wakes up and often stays online long after she is supposed to be asleep. If a friend posts a picture without her, she becomes upset. If one of her own posts does not get enough likes, she worries that people are mad at her or no longer think she is popular.
Recently, I took her phone away for the weekend after discovering she had been awake past midnight scrolling through videos. She cried and told me I was ruining her life. She said all of her friends make plans through social media and that taking it away would leave her completely isolated.
I do not want to overreact or make her feel cut off from her friends. At the same time, I cannot ignore how anxious and distracted she has become. Even family dinners now feel like a battle because she keeps reaching for her phone.
My husband thinks we should delete all of her accounts. I worry that doing so will only make her sneak around or feel even more excluded.
How can we set healthy limits without turning social media into a constant war? Is it realistic to ask a teenager to step away when nearly everyone she knows is still online?
— Losing my Daughter to a Screen
Dear Losing My Daughter: You are right to take this seriously, but taking away every account at once may only make your daughter feel punished and left out.
Start small. Keep her phone out of the bedroom at night, make meals and homework phone-free, and agree on reasonable daily limits together. Ask her which accounts leave her feeling anxious or excluded, and encourage her to unfollow them.
Have a conversation with your daughter about what social media is doing to her mood and confidence. Let her know you are not trying to take away her friends. You are trying to help her sleep better, feel better and remember that her worth is not measured in likes.
Also, show your daughter that she can add a lot to her life to fill what has been taken away. Encourage her to get involved in activities that build confidence in the real world, such as sports, hobbies, volunteering, creative projects or simply spending time with family and friends face-to-face. The more connected she feels offline, the less power social media will have over her emotions.
The goal is not to make her disappear from social media. It is to teach her how to use it without letting it use her.