Dear Annie: My husband and I are at odds over whether to send our two children to sleepaway camp next summer. He went every year from the time he was 8 and talks about it as one of the happiest parts of his childhood. He says camp taught him independence, helped him make lifelong friends and gave him a confidence he never would have developed at home.
I never went to sleepaway camp, and the thought of sending our children away for several weeks makes me very uneasy. Our older child is excited by the idea, but our younger one is sensitive, has trouble falling asleep in unfamiliar places and still gets homesick during overnight visits with relatives. I worry that we would be pushing them into something before they are ready.
My husband believes I am projecting my anxiety onto the children and holding them back. I feel he is so attached to his own wonderful memories that he is not fully considering their different personalities. We have started arguing whenever the subject comes up, and I am afraid the children will feel pressured to take sides or pretend to be excited just to please him.
How can we decide what is truly best for each child without letting my fears or my husband’s nostalgia make the decision for us?
— Camped Out Over Camp
Dear Camped Out: It is important to listen to your husband’s happy memories and consider his perspective, while also voicing your concerns about sending the children away too young. Independence is a wonderful gift, but too much too soon can create anxiety rather than confidence.
Look for a compromise. Perhaps the children could attend a shorter session or try a nearby camp first. Or perhaps the older one, who is excited by camp, should go while the younger one stays home. Your children have lots of time to learn to be independent. Savor the gifts of childhood.
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Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for less than a year, and we are already facing a disagreement that worries me. Traveling has always been one of my greatest joys. I grew up taking family trips, studied abroad in college and have always imagined exploring new countries with the person I married. I love everything about it: planning the itinerary, trying unfamiliar food and experiencing a new culture together.
My husband is wonderful in many ways, but he has a serious fear of flying. He had one frightening flight during bad turbulence several years ago, and since then, even the thought of getting on an airplane makes him anxious. Before we married, he said he wanted to work through the fear and hoped we could eventually travel together. Now, whenever I bring up a trip, he changes the subject or suggests somewhere we can drive.
Recently, I found a great deal on a trip to Italy for our first anniversary. Instead of being excited, he became visibly upset and told me I was not taking his anxiety seriously. I felt hurt because this was a dream trip I had hoped we could share. He suggested that I travel with friends while he stays home, but that makes me sad. I married him because I wanted us to build memories together, not live separate lives whenever travel is involved.
I do not want to force him onto a plane or dismiss a genuine fear. At the same time, I worry that I will become resentful if I spend the rest of my life giving up a part of myself that matters deeply to me. How can we find a compromise that respects his anxiety without asking me to abandon my love of travel?
— Ready to Roam Married to Home
Dear Ready to Roam: His fear is real, but so is your love of travel. You are in a partnership, and there are steps that each of you can take to help each other live the life of your dreams.
Ask him to work with a therapist who treats flying anxiety, and start small. In the meantime, take some trips together by car and an occasional bigger trip with a friend. There are also many cruises with travel to cities across the world, which might appeal to both of you.
Marriage requires compromise, not one spouse unpacking the other’s dreams.