Dear Annie: My husband and I are both in our 70s, and he’s been pushing for us to sell the house and move into something smaller for over a year now. He’s not wrong; it’s more house than we need.
But we raised our three kids in this house. Every room has something in it — the kitchen table my dad built, the height marks on the door frame, the driveway where our children learned to ride their bikes.
I know we probably can’t stay here forever. But I feel like he’s asking me to hand over all these memories without a second thought. Am I being stubborn, or is he being cold about it?
— Not Ready To Let Go
Dear Not Ready: Neither of you is wrong, but you’re thinking about different problems. He’s worried about the upkeep; you’re grieving the memories.
Before you force yourselves to make a decision, talk about a timeline. Use the time you have to go through the house room by room: Decide what needs to move with you, photograph what doesn’t, and say goodbye to the rest on your own terms. Wherever you land next won’t replace this house, but it will hold all the memories you haven’t created yet.
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Dear Annie: I’m a widow putting my affairs in order, with three grown children: a son and two daughters. Over the years, we helped our son and youngest daughter financially far more than our oldest daughter, mostly due to hardships in their lives (medical bills, a tough divorce, etc). Our oldest never asked for the same and has always seemed at peace, but I worry she may feel it was unfair if she were to look at the numbers plainly.
My will splits everything three ways, and my daughters will split my jewelry, which is worth quite a bit. The one loose piece is a small interest in an oil well I inherited from my parents. I had planned to leave it to the youngest, because she needs the money the most. But now I’m unsure. My son is the one who takes care of me. I am having mobility issues and can no longer drive; he takes me for doctor’s appointments, to the bank, etc. When I had surgery, I hired help because I didn’t want to call on him. He does so much already.
I just don’t know where this last piece should go. Do I leave it to the child who has the least or the child who does the most for me now? I have tried so hard not to show favoritism.
— Dividing With Care
Dear Dividing With Care: It’s worth asking what happens after you’re no longer here to explain your reasoning. Helping a child in need and rewarding who’s showing up for you now are two different gifts.
Before you decide, check whether you can split the oil interest among all three children. A three-way split sidesteps the question of who “deserves” it most, which may be the most peaceful ending of all.