Dear Annie: I am 62 years old and the oldest of four siblings. For the past three years, I’ve been the primary caregiver for our 87-year-old mother, who has become increasingly frail and can no longer manage on her own.
I love my mother dearly, but I’m exhausted. I take her to doctor’s appointments, manage her medications, buy her groceries, pay her bills and make sure she has dinner every night. I also work part-time and have a husband, children and grandchildren who barely see me anymore.
What makes this so frustrating is that I have three siblings, and two of them live less than 30 minutes away. My brother always seems to have a golf game or a business trip, and my sister says she’s too busy with her grandchildren. Yet somehow, they both find time for vacations and weekends away.
Last month, I asked my sister if she could stay with Mom for one weekend so my husband and I could celebrate our anniversary. She told me she couldn’t because she had dinner plans with friends. I ended up canceling our trip.
The final straw came at a family dinner when my brother announced that I was “lucky” to spend so much time with Mom. I nearly fell out of my chair. He then suggested I should be grateful because I’d probably inherit more of her belongings. I don’t want her belongings. I want a day off!
Whenever I bring up the subject, my siblings accuse me of keeping score or remind me that I chose to take on this responsibility. But I never chose to do it alone. I simply stepped in when Mom needed help, and everyone else stepped back.
I don’t want to resent my siblings, and I certainly don’t want my mother to feel like a burden. But I’m beginning to feel angry all the time, and I’m afraid that resentment will destroy our family.
How do I get my siblings to understand that caring for our mother is everyone’s responsibility, not just mine?
— The Exhausted Daughter
Dear Exhausted Daughter: You didn’t volunteer to become the family caregiver. You stepped up because your mother needed you and your siblings did not step up to help.
It’s time for a family meeting. Don’t just ask for help. Be specific. Tell your siblings which days you need covered and what responsibilities they can take on. If they can’t give their time, perhaps they can contribute toward hiring some help.
Do not feel guilty about needing a break. You can’t take good care of your mother if you’re running yourself into the ground.
Your siblings may never fully appreciate everything you do, but don’t let their lack of gratitude turn into bitterness. Remember, you can love your mother with all your heart without sacrificing your own health and happiness.
Being a good daughter doesn’t mean you have to be the only one.