Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 12 years, and we agree on most things. We like the same kind of vacations, have similar values and rarely argue about family. Money, however, is our recurring sore spot.
I am a saver. I grew up in a household where unexpected expenses could throw everything into chaos, so having money set aside makes me feel secure. My husband grew up very differently. His parents believed that if the bills were paid, you should enjoy life while you can.
A few weeks ago, we were having dinner and talking about taking a trip next spring. I mentioned that I wanted to start putting money aside for it. The next afternoon, my husband came home thrilled about a new set of golf clubs he had just bought. They cost more than I had planned to save for the first several months of the trip fund.
He was excited and kept saying what a great deal he had gotten. I was trying not to ruin the moment, but inside I was furious. When I finally said I wished he had talked to me first, he got defensive and said, “Do I really need permission to buy something with money I earn?”
That sentence has stayed with me. I do not want to be controlling, and I do not think either spouse should have to ask permission for every purchase. But I also think large expenses affect both people in a marriage, especially when you are trying to save for bigger goals.
Now he says I take the issue of money “too serious,” and I think he treats it like it grows back every Friday.
How do two people with completely different spending habits stop fighting about money without one person feeling controlled and the other feeling financially unsafe?
— Saving While He Is Spending
Dear Saving: Neither of you is wrong for having different spending habits and comfort levels around money, but right now you are speaking two different financial languages.
Have a conversation together about a budget that you both can agree on. Each of you will get an amount you can spend individually that you don’t have to discuss with the other. Anything above that gets talked over together. That gives your husband some freedom and gives you some peace of mind regarding a financial cushion and the ability to save for goals such as vacation.
The goal is not to win the argument. It is to make sure you are both feeling respected in the marriage.