Dear Annie: I’m 37 and the oldest of four siblings. We lost our mother to cancer 15 months ago, and then about a month ago, our father died very unexpectedly at 60. We never expected to be orphans this young, and the whole thing has been a shock for us.
But we were in for an even bigger shock. After Mom died, Dad apparently rewrote their will. We always assumed any inheritance would be evenly distributed four ways. As the lawyer went over the will with us, he said, “This will likely surprise and upset you.” The inheritance is divided FIVE ways!
The fifth person is someone we’ve never heard of. Unbeknownst to any of us, when my father was my age, he started a relationship with a 20-year-old man. This has continued for the last 23 years.
We were stunned. Nothing about our father ever indicated anything close to bisexuality, and our parents’ marriage seemed so good that it’s unfathomable to think he cheated on Mom for all these years. I met the man, and he has photos to verify that this is all true.
I’m willing to let the will stand as is. Each of us will receive more money than we ever dreamed we would; that’s not the issue. But my siblings don’t like the idea that a person who had a relationship with our dad, knowing he was married, would inherit anything. They want to contest the will. I’m afraid that will only draw attention to the whole sordid situation, and other people will become aware of it.
What would you do? Let the will stand as is or contest it?
— The Oldes and Outnumbered
Dear Oldest and Outnumbered: You’ve suffered two enormous losses in a very short time, and before you’ve even had a chance to grieve, you’ve learned something that’s turned your understanding of your father and your family upside down. That’s a lot to carry.
If your father was of sound mind when he changed his will, the fact that your siblings dislike his decision isn’t, by itself, a reason to overturn it. Whether they have legitimate legal grounds to contest it is a question for an attorney.
Before they go any further, ask what they’re hoping to gain. You’ve said money isn’t really the issue. Will a legal battle bring the peace or answers they’re looking for?
Whatever happens with the will, this secret doesn’t erase the father you knew. Spend your energy grieving your parents and supporting one another as you try to make sense of this new reality. I suspect that will bring your family more peace than a courtroom ever could.
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Dear Annie: I’ve sent birthday cards with money to all of my nieces, nephews, their spouses and to my great-niece and great-nephews for many years. I’m now retired and live on a limited income.
I now want to send money only to those who are 19 and younger. Do I need to tell their parents in advance? My nephew has a 20-year-old son, an 18-year-old and a 14-year-old. I don’t want the oldest to feel forgotten when his siblings get money and he doesn’t.
What’s the best way to handle this situation?
— Birthday Budget
Dear Birthday Budget: You don’t owe anyone an explanation for living within your means. Retirement often requires making thoughtful adjustments, and this is one of them.
If you’d like, you can give your nephew a quiet heads-up so the 20-year-old isn’t surprised when his card arrives, but you don’t need to make a family announcement.
A heartfelt birthday card in itself never stops being appreciated. The people who love you will understand that your generosity hasn’t changed — only your budget has.