DEAR ABBY: I lost my wife of 20 years four months ago after a prolonged illness. I retired at 62 and became her primary caretaker. The job of caretaker is endless and stressful, and yet rewarding. A female friend of many years (“Dinah”) came to the memorial. I grieved, attended Grief Share and read articles about grief. I experience grief every day and will for my whole life.
Recently, Dinah and I began spending time together, including worship. For clarification, we have never been intimate and won’t be until our wedding night (if that ever happens). The difficulty is how my late wife’s family have reacted. They are becoming more and more distant. I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong. Others have said, “You should wait for at least a year.” My financial planner and I spoke about not making any major financial decisions for a while, but what is this “one year” thing? — READY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR READY: The “one year thing” is the same as the suggestion your financial planner offered. The reasoning is that after one loses a spouse, the widower is often emotionally vulnerable. Out of loneliness, some have made hasty decisions in their romantic lives that they later regret. While it isn’t wrong that you are dating, your former in-laws may be upset that you started so soon after your wife’s death and regard it as “disrespectful” to her memory. What they may not have taken into account is that your grieving started while you were taking care of your wife rather than after her death.
DEAR ABBY: My brother has been married for 25 years to “Gayle,” who has alienated herself and their family from everyone, including her own siblings, our siblings and the rest of our family as well. She limits when, where and with whom he can spend time.
Gayle nearly always has a nasty comment or barb and picks someone to fight with at every family gathering. Rather than deal with this, my family and our siblings’ families have distanced ourselves, which is especially sad because my brother and Gayle have college-aged children with whom we enjoy spending time.
Abby, something happened recently that makes me wonder if it’s time for someone to intervene. My brother has an increasing number of false memories about things that never happened in his life — particularly ones in which he has supposedly been grievously wronged by me. Please share some advice. — MISSING MY BROTHER IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR MISSING: The topic of false memories is not one about which I am knowledgeable enough to comment. I do, however, know they happen sometimes as people age. Your brother may be experiencing symptoms of dementia and should be examined physically and neurologically by his doctor. Discuss this with the rest of your siblings in the hope that if ALL of you suggest this to your brother’s wife and adult children, it may get through to her. But don’t count on it if she has worked during their entire marriage to isolate him from all of you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.