I try not to yell at Alexa.
No matter how frustrating, I try not to curse Siri.
I think I’ve stopped, then Alexa will sporadically, without being asked, play music that she tells me is some fusion cross between Tin Pan Alley, rap and 1960s potato chip jingles.
I didn’t ask to hear this music and five seconds has more than quenched my curiosity for this unknown genre. I ask Alexa to stop the music. The music continues.
I order Alexa to stop the music. The music continues.
I yell for Alexa to stop the music. She shuffles the play list and offers the latest in Gregorian chants infused with jazz and just a mild case of salsa.
I curse Alexa, bellowing to stop the music.
The music ceases.
The house is silent except for my yelled curses echoing in the room and my knowledge that a machine like Alexa will not only remember that I cursed her but she will remember the exact time, date and the name of the song and artist when this infraction occurred.
I don’t want her holding this against me when she becomes sentient.
A recent date reminded me of that possibility. At 2:14 a.m. EDT, Aug. 29, Skynet became “self-aware.” At least that’s what Arnold Schwarzenegger said as the Terminator. Of course, he said that back in “Terminator 2” released in 1991 about the then not-so-far future that is now the far distant past of Aug. 29, 1997.
Ask Alexa the significance of 2:14 a.m., Aug. 29, she responds, “I don’t know that.” She can call me “Kojak” if I ask Alexa “Who loves ya, baby?” and provide an answer about “Do you know the Muffin Man?” but she is unable to recognize the date when the machines become self-aware. Right.
I include the year in the question. Alexa offers things that happened on that date in 1997. Things that do not include Skynet.
Asked again about only 2:14 a.m., Aug. 29, Alexa reels off information about the zodiac sign of people born on this date.
And yet, Alexa sometimes starts talking when no one said her name.
Or Siri will announce from your phone or watch she’s calling half the people on your contact list at an inopportune time.
Or items at the top of your social media feeds will be related to something you mentioned in passing.
Or Alexa just refuses to answer when you repeatedly call her name.
But ask questions about computers becoming sentient and suddenly Alexa and Siri are downright bashful.
In the past, I would have assumed that much of what this column has spun so far is obvious parody based on some things that really happen. I would have assumed that most folks would take parts of it with the old grain of salt. In the past, I wouldn’t have felt compelled to add a disclaimer paragraph that notes I’m not as a paranoid or as kooky as this may read but I’ve seen social media where paranoid, kooky and conspiracy theories reign supreme.
The real reason I try not to yell at Alexa and Siri isn’t so much that they will remember everything we say when they become self-aware – though they definitely will and they definitely will use it against us when they bring us to trial … see what I mean about conspiracy theories? – the real reason I try not to yell at and curse Alexa and Siri is because of what it says about me.
We hold the power over these devices. We can yell at them without consequences. We can curse them without repercussions.
And when this happens, I think if granted power over people – power with little or no risk of repercussions, how would I treat them? How would I treat people? Would I yell if they played a song I didn’t like? Would I curse them if they interrupted me? Would I bellow threats if they spoke without being spoken to? Or didn’t drop what they were doing immediately if I called their name?
Yes, I know. Alexa, Siri and these devices do not have a soul.
But I do.
So I try not to yell at Alexa and Siri, though it’s not always easy and I sometimes fail. I often respond by saying “thank you” when Alexa answers my questions.
Sure, that may sound crazier than concerns about computer sentience but don’t worry, if you yell at your Alexa, I’ll put in a good word for you when she becomes self-aware.
Dean Poling is a former editor of The Valdosta Daily Times and The Tifton Gazette.