As a kid, I loved to read. My parents subscribed to Newsweek, I was addicted to TV Guide, and when I made a little spending money, I got a subscription to the Sporting News.
But the magazine that shaped me the most was MAD. The satirical monthly made fun of political leaders and parodied the top TV shows and movies. That irreverent style influenced my sense of humor, and my family has had to live with that ever since.
One of my favorite MAD features was “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.” Basically, the writers said in print what most of us wanted to say out loud.
For example, one cartoon showed a woman looking up at a drip from the ceiling, asking a plumber, “Is that from a leaking pipe?” The plumber, with a deadpan expression, replied, “No, somebody upstairs is watering their lawn.”
Another showed a wrecked car wrapped around a tree. An onlooker asked, “Have an accident?” The driver replied, “No thanks! Already had one.”
You may not be laughing now, but when I was 10, I was rolling on the floor.
Of course, people are still asking stupid questions today.
My wife, the dear angel, leads a church ministry that provides snacks for elementary students. Every week she fills a shopping cart with juice boxes, chips, crackers and fruit.
She cannot make it to the checkout counter without bystanders offering their unsolicited commentary and questions. She accepts it all with a smile, but I know what she’s thinking deep down inside.
“Well, someone’s throwing a big party tonight!” (“Why, yes we are! It’s at the county jail. I’m surprised you’re not on the guest list.”)
And, “Do you think you have enough snacks in that buggy?” (“You know, it’s hard to tell. Could you help me get this stuff in my van, and then meet me at the school to unload? Only then will we know for sure.”)
Oh, the things we’d like to say, but in polite society, we just can’t. Wait, who am I kidding? Manners are no longer in fashion. So the next time I’m on the receiving end of a stupid question, I’ll be ready with my snappy comeback.
For instance, when the tech repair guy on the phone asks me “So your computer won’t even power up?” I answer in the affirmative. He says, “Have you gone to our website for the step-by-step instructions?” From now on I will reply “What a great idea. Oh wait: My computer is still dead!”
Those of us who have suffered an injury get some real doozies. While I’m hobbling along on a cane, someone will blurt out “Have you gone to see a doctor?” I’ll reply, “A doctor? Why would I go to a doctor? I’m actually looking for a top hat so I can take dance lessons.”
Just wait until you are on crutches. An old friend will look you up and down, and ask “So, do you have to use crutches?” I’ll wait a second for the question to sink in and reply, “Are you kidding me? No, I don’t have to use crutches. I just do this to get attention, and obviously my plan is working.”
Meanwhile, back at the grocery store, I want to purchase a butternut squash. The teen cashier is puzzled. He holds it up, shakes it, and turns it upside down. He yells to one of his co-workers. “Brittany! What is this?” Brittany shrugs her shoulders. I say “It’s a butternut squash.” He says “Nope, that ain’t no squash. It looks like some kinda pumpkin.” I reply, “No, this is not in the pumpkin family.” “Wait, they have a family?” he asks.
Eventually the mystery is solved, and he studies the next mystery item. “It’s a pomegranate,” I say. “Hang on,” he says. “I’m gonna find a manager.”
Finally he rings up my last item. He then asks the question I’ve been waiting for all of my life. “Is this everything you need?”
I said, “Oh believe me, I need so much more. Let’s start with affordable healthcare.” He just stared at me. I should buy him a MAD magazine.
David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his latest book is “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat,” available from his website ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405 or RadioTV2020@yahoo.com.