LAWRENCE — On an unremarkable night in 2022, Michael Bastien was speaking with a family member when he had his eureka moment.
“My cousin called me to talk about what he was going through in life and I was thinking about what I was going through. I thought ‘If we are going through this, imagine how many other people are going through this same exact thing.’ We have to bring this (conversation) to Lawrence,” said Bastien, CEO and cofounder of Brothers In Arms (BIA), a weekly men’s support group he runs in Lawrence’s historic mill district.
One of 13 recipients of a 2023 Commonwealth Restorative Community Justice grant from the state, the group aims to combat traditional male gender roles of power, toughness and aggression that have a negative impact on men by promoting healthy masculinity through mindfulness and self-reflection.
“I didn’t grow up speaking about emotions. It wasn’t until I started the group that I started speaking openly about my emotions,” Bastien said.
“To me, Brothers in Arms embodies the idea of brothers connecting, holding each other up, and supporting one another,” he said. Running a media company at the time, Bastien and his cousin created a video inviting men to their support group that went viral on social media.
In April 2022, shortly after the video went out, Bastien partnered with his former Lawrence High School teacher Quin Gonell to lead the first circle. Word spread about the free and open to the public meetings.
Today, the weekly circle hosts an average of 12 men and is run by Bastien and participant-turned-facilitator Edward Cedeno, who are not licensed therapists but have received training in restorative justice practices and circle facilitation from Suffolk University and the ManKind Project.
Each meeting starts with a check-in, followed by conversations based on a series of related prompts such as “Reflect on your early memories of your father. How did his presence or absence shape your understanding of what it means to be a man?”
Then “What actionable steps can you take today to bring more healing and relief from the pain of trauma caused by your relationship with your father?” Each session concludes with attendees stating a key takeaway they have from the night and the BIA call and response chant of “when I say ‘Brothers’, you say ‘In Arms’.”
In their current space, shared with Family Services of the Merrimack Valley, the group recently held its third annual potluck. Guests were asked to sit in a circle and participate in the opening check-in by sharing their names, a situation or feeling that is present for them to today, and one thing for which they are grateful this week.
Many noted achievements at work and happenings with their family and most were grateful for being part of the circle. The crowd acknowledged each person’s check-in with finger snaps.
The intentionally dimly lit room is a welcoming environment with warm tones and exposed brick, creating a comfortable space for deep self-reflection that can bring some members to tears. “A lot of guys are dealing with stuff and they have no one to talk to. I’ve opened up to people and they call you the b-word, they make fun of you and it’s tough. You’ve got to know who to be vulnerable with and this (circle) gives you a place to be vulnerable,” said Angel Garcia, a 38-year-old from Lawrence.
A set of written guidelines request that men come ready to heal with an open mind, are respectful and use “I statements” to speak from personal experience. There is no obligation to share. Lawrence resident Carlos Aquino, a 30-year-old father of three, underscored the importance of confidentiality and respect within the circle.
“A band of brothers is only a band when it can keep things among itself. You cannot open up unless you are respected,” he said. So strong is this bond that the non-profit’s newly formed Board of Directors is made up of current circle participants.
The communal conversations set Brothers In Arms apart from common forms of self-reflection like religion and psychotherapy. Twenty- year-old Jordy Deleon said he appreciated hearing the experiences of older men in the group.
“I felt like my relationship with my mom was drifting apart. The men around the circle gave me basically a hug, but with words. When I get older I’ll be very mindful, very prepared too,” said the Lawrence resident who used to run the two miles to and from the meetings because he didn’t have a ride.
Deleon is in training to lead youth circles aimed at ages 14 -26 with Luis Reyes, 19, of North Andover. “I know what it’s like to be a kid in high school having dark thoughts and if I had had somebody to help me out, I would have been extremely grateful. I hope when I become a youth leader I’m able to help those kids find their own ways and have a more positive outlook on life,” Reyes said.
A skilled networker, Bastien, 28, of Lawrence, will continue past collaborations in the new year with area nonprofits such as a Juneteenth celebration with Greater Lawrence Fellowship of the Arts and the Harvest of Healing Retreat that brought together members of BIA and the Jeanne Geiger Crisis Center for victims of domestic abuse for a day-long retreat in Rockport.
One female program participant wrote in a testimonial that “the retreat was the first time I have been surrounded by men while feeling completely at ease. Their vulnerability and honesty matched that which I experience in the Creative Express Group (at the Jeanne Geiger Crisis Center), to which I am so grateful. I left feeling energized, clear-headed, and motivated to participate in community healing in a way that I had not felt before.”
Bastien recently quit his media business and took a pay cut to run Brothers In Arms, whose funding comes mostly from grants, as the full-time CEO.
“I was doing things but it wasn’t fulfilling in my heart. This work is fulfilling,” he said. Bastien said he hopes to add a licensed therapist to the team and to move into a dedicated space in the coming year. The community can support this impactful work by connecting the group with resources and funders who can lend their support to programs and their expansion and by making donations through their website https://biacircle.com.
Adonis Peña, a childhood friend of Bastien’s, has been part of the circle for 21 consecutive weeks. “I can’t always stay for the whole time,” said the 28-year-old with three children under seven, “ but I will come here every week as long as I know I am helping others and I am also helping myself. I hope the group spreads all over the world.”