Dear style & substance,
I have never shown much emotion. Recently, I was asked by a friend if I even cared about a tragic situation because I wasn’t saying much. I care deeply. I just don’t talk about it. When I think of expressing emotion, it just feels awkward, but I know it is making relationships harder. With the New Year coming, I think I should attempt a new style of communication. How do I do this?
We learn to express emotion early in our lives, and if our family or friends are uncomfortable with these expressions, we alter and adapt accordingly. Some families are accustomed to large, demonstrative displays while others would rather silently, nonverbally acknowledge events or feelings.
We recommend somewhere in between, where expression comes with ease and feels natural. Articulating emotion can begin with small sentiments, as you will find that words are positive change makers and powerful healers.
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable but are never weakness.” — Brene Brown
Your goal is related to becoming more vulnerable. In your past, you most likely have associated this vulnerability, openness or transparency with weakness, powerlessness and defenselessness. This is a very negative and frightening state of being. We’d like to present vulnerability as a secret power within us all, a strength that can be cultivated and ultimately be freeing.
In desiring growth, you are moving from passivity into the activity of open expression to improve your relationships and ease in the world. Standing on the sidelines has meant that you are hoping someone teases out and understands your sentiment. Taking action, although initially uncomfortable, doesn’t leave your feelings up to interpretation.
Explore your desired change by speaking of contented, perhaps even happy, emotions. Your break into expression and spoken word need not be dramatic or associated with trauma and despair. Begin by expressing satisfaction or lighter feelings that indicate all is well.
In liberating yourself, be conscious to help liberate others. Give people space and time to say what they’d like, be patient and wait. Listen, with both ears and eyes, even when it is quiet or uncomfortable. Ask questions to clarify what you are not hearing. Express your own emotion with your newly found voice and then ask them how they feel. If you are trying to formulate your emotions, say you’d like to come back to that and then do just that. Revisiting something indicates true introspection and thoughtfulness.
In “Emotional Equations,” Chip Conley encourages us to break down any emotion into a simple equation. We’ve written our own:
vulnerability = (introspection + clarity + courage) divided by self-doubt
As your self-doubt decreases, your vulnerability increases, and that is a good thing. Remember, you can redefine vulnerability as a strength rather than a sensitive area of weakness. Vulnerability can become the foundation or bedrock of your relationships. Your ability to share your frailties with dignity will allow for much more honest and generous sharing of emotions.
Displaying emotion will take your world from black and white to living color with a few technicalities that you can iron out as you practice. New Year’s resolutions are best when you add or multiply something in your life rather than subtract or divide. We encourage you to dabble in some emotional math as you peak through the walls you are longing to break down.
We wish you a happy New Year filled with joy and the skills you need to mend sorrow and grow deeper and richer relationships.