Today’s column is the second installment in a multi-part series on human sexuality and disability.
I’m defining human sexuality as incorporating procreation, recreation and relational dimensions. Our sexuality is part of our physical, mental and spiritual health. Before I discuss recreation, I wanted to say more about procreation.
After months of trying to get pregnant, I did. I also miscarried. More than once. At that point, my husband, Tom, and I decided to stop trying. We put adoption, foster parenting and other options on hold. It was awhile before I realized there was a difference between identifying as child-free rather than childless. I remember Tom saying, “The quality of our marriage is not dependent upon us having children.”
I’ve known many people with varied disabilities who are parents. Some of the females with spinal cord injuries have gone into labor and delivery, pain free. For others, cesarean sections were common. Breastfeeding was accomplished by lying down or using a sling. Moms with hearing challenges, utilized ASL signers and captioning screen text technology. Those with vision concerns used Braille and text to sound on their cell phones. Everyone, including those with mental health disabilities, benefited from strong support systems and practicing of child care. Contraception was still necessary. Choices were made according to health concerns, cost, availability, frequency of intercourse, comfort and ease with touching one’s genitals, etc.
Parents using wheelchairs often found that their children were independent earlier, because they had to be. During family outings, young children didn’t go beyond arms reach of the parent’s wheelchair and sometimes rode on their parent’s laps or wheelchair foot pedals. In one family, both the parent with blindness and toddler, held onto their guide dog’s harness.
Recreation: For many people, human sexuality is strictly meant for procreation. Others see it as purely for pleasure or recreation. Some believe a relationship must be at the center, including the one we have with ourselves. Today, lots of people view human sexuality as needing all three components.
In the 2012 film, “The Sessions,” Mark, a man with polio, asks his Catholic priest for permission to have sexual relations with a professional sex surrogate. Mark is a journalist/poet, writing a piece on sexuality and disability. He’s a sexual virgin and spends much of his day in an iron lung machine. The movie is based on a true story. The priest grants Mark’s request. The surrogate, played by Helen Hunt, begins by teaching Mark the value of non-sexual touch and exploring his erogenous zones. I’ve seen the movie several times and am reminded of the numerous ways we seek to get our nonsexual touch needs met: cuddling our pet companions, visiting hair salons/barbers and paying for professional massages. Babies who aren’t touched fail to thrive. And, I’ve known many teens who have had sex early, not because they wanted to, but because they longed to be held.