Dear style & substance,
I have a friend who says she remembers everything. What she really remembers is all the bad, petty parts of any story or experience. I would like to say something to her to help her see the negativity she sends forth, but everything I can think to say to her is pretty mean, and I do not want to match her snide commentary. Do you have any suggestions on how I can help her reflect on her communication style and make a change for the better?
We have plenty of mean suggestions too, but we know that is not what you are seeking.
There is a lot to unpack in your question. First, think about the why. Why does she pride herself on “remembering everything” negative? Your friends’ action is a form of manipulation, a power move. By bringing up past mistakes, she creates an imbalance; she is better than the flawed person in question. The Germans have a term for your friends’ emotion, schadenfreude, finding joy in another’s misfortune or woe. “Throwing shade” or “dissing” are modern takes of this term.
Being presently judged for past mistakes can easily send us into defensive mode, regardless of the ways we or others have made amends, grown or moved ahead in our lives. As a thoughtful person, you have the power to respond rather than react. To bring your relationship back into balance, breathe and, with positive intention, call her out. Whether your friend is remembering something about you, another friend or a situation, reframe the conversation. You are looking to make change and suggest that many good things have happened, too, which could be honored instead.
Here are some suggestions of what can be molded into a version of your communication style:
— Sally: “When you talk about her that way, I feel like you are forgetting all of the great moments that we have had with her. How I think of her is …” This positive plug for or different perspective of your friend could begin a bit of rewiring, so to speak.
— Michele: “Should we judge a person by their worst moment?” suggests that we can create change by leading with compassion and empathy.
Part of what we are hearing is that your friendship is suffering from this negativity, and it could be adversely affecting other parts of your life. Negativity can rub off, infect and become toxic, just as easily as positivity can ward off disease, brighten someone’s day and promote creativity and good will.
Why do we remember some events, conversations or people and forget others? Speaking from a nontherapeutic and non-trauma perspective, we propose that remembering and forgetting are choices that we make. We can choose to remember the good in people out of love, respect and our own vulnerability. When we remember mostly good, we also acknowledge our own sinfulness and lack of good taste and bad behavior from time to time. Knowing we can all err, as well as forgive, keeps balance and boundaries in check.
Deeply hurtful things that people say or do warn us of how we would like to proceed or not proceed in that relationship. Storing that information is a healthy response and directs us in navigating future interactions. In these situations, keeping balance and boundaries, we may make the choice to either walk away or commit to healing that relationship.
Thinking outside of ourselves can be very hard for people in deep pain with emotions getting very cloudy and muddled. We find a good gauge of pain can be found in conversational style. Does your friend who has a long memory dominate conversation by pointing out errors of others on a routine basis? Does she recount her own past behaviors that are not her best? Is she joyful in the present? Can she change course when held accountable?
If your conversation is dominated by the person in pain and you are never asked how you are or what you’ve been up to, chances are good that person has turned inward and is highly affected by past events. Her inability to live positively in the present informs you to offer support and compassion followed by empathetic honesty. The higher or deeper the emotion, the more attachment we have to that memory.
Many studies show that negative events are remembered more accurately, and positive events are not as clearly remembered. In our evolution as humans, this has helped us. Negative experiences serve as warnings to not do something again. This keeps us from pain and can keep us alive. But the warm and intoxicating feelings of good events are what we should orient toward and continuously create and seek.
What we choose to remember and what we choose to forget boils down to acceptance and forgiveness of ourselves and others.
“Forgiveness is the needle that knows how to mend.” — Jewel