Let’s talk conspiracy theories. While most are pretty outlandish, you have to admit they can be highly entertaining. Conspiracy theories remind me of reading one of the tabloids displayed at a grocery store checkout lane. While logically you know Elvis is dead and that there are no such things as “bat children” taking over remote mountain villages, a part of you is intrigued by the “maybe…”
Which is my feeble excuse of how I got drawn into spending almost 80 dollars on a cloth cap lined with a silvery fabric designed to ward off the EMFs (electromagnetic fields) that are apparently surrounding us.
It all started with an ad on Facebook about EMFs and as I read the copy describing the billions of invisible waves filling the air due to computers, cellphones, television (our grandmas were right!), etcetera, a random thought popped into my head. “What if this is true? What if even some of this is true?”
That is called the hook. Everything that follows reads much like a three-act play: Act I is the Setup where you begin wondering if perhaps the people selling clothing that blocks invisible rays might know what they’re talking about and that brain fog, fatigue and general malaise will vanish just by wearing the hat/T-shirt/underwear they’re selling. What if this is the answer you’ve been looking for even before you knew you had a question?
Act II, the Confrontation, involves shelling out some of your hard-earned money for said hat/T-shirt/underwear. In my case, it was a hat since I figured covering my noggin would be the most pragmatic route to take. Plus, the hat was a lot cheaper than any of the other items. See? I’m already pragmatic. I could only imagine how pragmatic I’d be after I began wearing my wave-blocking hat.
(Yes, I know it would have been even cheaper to line a hat I already owned with aluminum foil, but these hats were made by professionals.)
Act III, the Resolution, where the rubber meets the road. The final act should contain elements of tension, buildup, and finally some kind of ending where lessons are learned and new behavior is introduced. In the case of the EMF-blocking hat, I would say there was a fair amount of tension as I waited for my hat (shipping took forever and with each passing day I felt my brain fog growing denser) which contributed to the buildup. When it finally arrived, I unwrapped it and was immediately underwhelmed (hence, the lesson learned).
This plan gray knit beanie with the silver fabric lining was supposed to come between me and all those unseen waves that were slapping all of us silly? Things were about to get worse when I discovered the beanie didn’t fit. I’ve always had a large head and when I pulled the hat on, I resembled an adult-sized watermelon wearing a honeydew’s baby hat.
“How do I look?” I asked my husband.
Diplomatic to his core, he responded, “How does it feel? That’s what’s important.”
Truthfully, I didn’t feel any different even though I wore the hat around the house faithfully for the next few weeks. I liked to think my brain fog was lessening, but since I also started adding espresso shots to my daily coffee, I wasn’t quite sure if I was less addled or more wired. It can be a fine line between the two, a line not easy to discern even while wearing a too tight wave-blocking beanie.
Feeling guilty for spending so much money on myself, I bought Mark a beanie, too. While he hasn’t reported any major changes in his thinking patterns, he likes it because it keeps his head warm at night.
Getting back to conspiracy theories. All I can say is who knows? Some might have grains of truth in them and others are surely completely off-base. All I know for sure is that if I ever see an EMF wave-blocking beanie in size XL I will probably purchase it because while I’m sure Elvis has gone on to his reward and I seriously doubt there are any bat children in the world, I’m still not convinced that we aren’t surrounded by invisible waves that are making us all foggier, with or without espresso shots.
Nell Musolf is a freelance writer based in Mankato. She can be reached at nmusolf@gmail.com.