Dear Style & Substance,
A friend recently shared news with me that left me feeling deeply hurt and betrayed. We have been valued friends for years, and her actions and inactions have left me reeling. She has been a constant in my life, and now I wonder if we can ever find our way back to the deep friendship we once had. How do I forgive? Can I forgive? Should I forgive?
Betrayal is such a strong word that indicates the depth of the damage — deceit, infidelity and desertion don’t even come close to this injury. It’s a feeling conjured by epic dramatic movies, ancient stories and, sadly, everyday life.
Friendship to most of us means loyalty, trust and faithfulness. A sense that you share values and morals and respond to the world and each other both ethically and compassionately. Betrayal hurts because it comes from those we love and trust, shaking the foundation on which a relationship is built. Betrayal overwhelms the qualities of the relationship that we value. We no longer trust because the bonds have been broken. We question the values of the person or institution that has left us grief-stricken. Betrayal is raw and deeply personal.
“Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.” — Arthur Miller
What we think Arthur Miller means is that betrayal leaves a permanent scar, which is the deepest form of hurt, perhaps the hardest to forgive or forget. We believe that there is always a choice and a path to move forward. The sting of betrayal fires us up and urges us to strike back, so we start with counterintuition. Transformation and healing take place with quiet discernment, giving the mind and body time to contemplate.
“Betrayal is to both carry a wound we cannot bear, and yet cannot find the heart to close.” — Beau Taplin
Early spring is the season of Lent, celebrated in many faith traditions as the time where Jesus faced the darkest days of his life. The deep betrayal of those closest to him, his disciples, speaks to the capacity of humans to act in deeply destructive ways.
The roots of betrayal can be found in a moment of weakness or fear, an act of selfishness, or a lapse in judgment and personal accountability — our human frailties.
Spring is also the season of renewal. Forgiveness, a form of renewal, is an antidote to betrayal. Forgiveness does not mean that the relationship can be healed — it may or may not be saved — but forgiveness opens the door to trusting again. Without this, we would all live in a dark and desperate place.
When we reflect on the times we have fallen short, felt jealous, insecure or desperate, we begin to understand how others have behaved with their worst qualities instead of their best. We can measure how much we can work through and what we need to leave behind in order to remain safe, whole and loving to ourselves. Forgiveness allows us to discern what is right for moving forward. Holding on to anger, no matter how righteous, leaves us stuck and damaged. The person who has betrayed you may never ask for or even consider that need to seek forgiveness. This is an act for yourself, not them.
Like personal betrayal, the institutions we hold dear can also fail us. Understanding betrayal on a personal level can help deepen our understanding of the greater world when we face disappointment and disbelief.
Dr. Jennifer Freyd, the funder of The Center for Institutional Courage, writes, “There’s a particular kind of heartbreak that happens when someone or something you need and trust doesn’t show up for you. That heartbreak is at the core of institutional betrayal. Institutional betrayal happens when an institution fails to protect or actively harms someone who relies on it. When the very systems we count on in times of need leave us feeling unheard, unsafe or unseen, the psychological impact can be significant.”
The healthiest approach we can take is to compassionately “look” at when things began to go wrong and, once we have analyzed, to learn from the betrayal itself. Our gut or intuition doesn’t take enough credit or urge us hard enough to ask more questions, express a little unease or clarify things we felt concern for. Our gut acts before our mind can fully engage, so take moments to let your intuition speak to you. We are taught to trust, to accept and to believe people are “doing their best,” so why question?
We also know from experience that we can cause harm by not asking those tough questions that lead to truth. For institutions, and even personally, mission statements, vision and values should be lived and breathed daily. These are the guide of our lives.
There are so many diversion tactics to avoid feeling responsible or badly about a situation that we either created or just went along with. When called on it, either subtly or out loud, it’s time to dig deeply into our own values and make a dramatic course correction. Denial, rationalization, minimization or blaming someone else are easy “fixes.” True moral character has us discerning, admitting our part and making apology.
Courage is the act of finding the difficult words and actions to correct the system that we may have so complacently supported. In the world of friendship, or the world at large, we must keep our guard up to not become a betrayer ourselves.