As in the old hit song from the early ‘60s, breaking up is indeed a hard thing to do. In fact, a famed writer went further in the title of a 1980s novel (not, however, one of his best), “More Die of Heartbreak.”
Sounds grisly, doesn’t it? Maybe exaggerated, too, especially to those fortunate types who’ve never experienced such a setback during their long, basically happy marriage.
But many HAVE known and endured heartbreak, and some are going through one of these comparative horror shows as we speak. How to help those afflicted by the lingering pain of a split-up?
These are obviously thorny situations, and there’s no single panacea here. So the present scribe will try to be circumspect on this subject, “try” being the operative word.
Here’s something I’ve noticed when it comes to people in the throes of a separation that’s dragged on months or even years. Let’s say it’s a woman, maybe 28 or even 58, who’s endured the recent split. Let’s say she’d been with her significant other for two years or ten (doesn’t much matter). Let’s leave out the complicating factor of impact on kids, which of course can be a very real one.
Anyway, this lady still affected by the split, and not really savoring life, in fact, depressed daily, gets predictable counsel from so-called friends, all advising more or less the same thing, and which one can put into a single line: “You’re better off without that drip!”
Of course such advisors can at times be vindicated, as when the aggrieved one somehow meets the “right person,” and goes on to many years of bliss, a happy ending to a story we’ve frequently seen in Hollywood movies.
But just as often (or more), the lady or guy in question simply feels perpetual anxiety, as the months and maybe years crawl by. My point: isn’t different advice possible for such types in a state of comparative disarray? I think it is.
To the effect that in some ways, we all need … our figurative poisons! More mildly put, this split involved two opposite types, and in fact, all relationships contain two different people, clichéd as that sounds. That’s a given. So you might try regaining the glass half-full with a certain gratitude? Including by going back to him/her with clear ideas for change or compromise laid out? As preferable to being in this miserable state of cold war and limbo that putative pals keep telling you makes such sense?
I know, I know – that point about us all needing our poisons sounds glib and over the top! But I guess I was trying to get attention for what seems to me a valid point. I.e., that each significant other has positives and negatives, and so, in fact, do you! Maybe a certain synergism is still possible?
Naturally I’m more hesitant proffering such amateur counsel when it comes to those who’ve left alcoholics, weed-heads, obsessed gamblers, etc. Even moreso when kids are involved. Making it imperative in such circumstances that trying one more time means returning to someone now in an AA-type program, and for life. I see nothing wrong with such a stipulation. Sounds like win-win in every sense.
I still stand by my view that it’s sometimes right (despite that gaggle of naysayers) to try and patch things up. Yes, to crawl, if you will. There I go again with hyperbole, but even if no worms or serpents, humans ARE fragile creatures, are we not?
So again, if a person’s been doing badly while apart, and not getting much out of life, why not consider the repair job route, even if with new conditions sought on each side of the equation? Why NOT? it says here.
Because Mr. Sedaka had a point back in the day: breaking up is indeed an often difficult, traumatic thing to do, and even dangerous to one’s health.
On that cheery (but caring) note, I humbly close. VERY humbly, indeed!