Dear Annie: My mother is German, and my father is American. Growing up, I was raised with traditions from both cultures, but I have never felt fully part of either one.
Last Christmas, my mother made a traditional German dinner and invited several relatives. I tried to join the conversation, but my German is not fluent, and everyone kept switching to English for my sake. They were being kind, but I felt embarrassed and strangely separate from my own family. A few weeks later, I brought homemade German cookies to an American friend’s party. Everyone loved them, but they treated the tradition like a fun novelty. I smiled along, even though it meant much more to me.
When I visit Germany, I feel too American. In the United States, I often feel too German. I know I am fortunate to have two cultures in my life, but sometimes it feels as though I am standing between them with no place that is completely mine.
How do I stop feeling like an outsider and begin seeing both sides of my background as a strength?
— Caught Between Two Worlds
Dear Caught: You may never feel completely German or completely American, and that is all right. Most people feel like outsiders somewhere, even in their own families. Keep the traditions that matter to you, improve your German if you wish, and stop treating your identity like a test you have failed. You can try to flip the narrative in your head and see the positives of having both cultures.
•••
Dear Annie: My younger sister has always been the favorite in our family. My parents would never admit it, but the difference has been obvious for as long as I can remember. She was the charming, carefree one, while I was expected to be responsible, helpful and mature.
That pattern has followed us into adulthood. My sister is often late, forgets birthdays and cancels plans at the last minute. My parents always laugh it off and say, “That’s just how she is.” Meanwhile, I am the one who makes restaurant reservations, brings the birthday cake, remembers everyone’s appointments and gets the call whenever something goes wrong.
Last month, my sister forgot our mother’s birthday and showed up two days later with grocery store flowers. Everyone treated it like a funny story. A week later, I missed one Sunday dinner because my child was sick, and my mother accused me of becoming selfish and distant.
What hurts most is that my family seems to notice only when I stop doing things, never how much I do the rest of the time. I love them, but I am tired of being taken for granted and held to a different standard.
How do I speak up without sounding jealous or starting a family fight?
— Tired of Being the Responsible One
Dear Tired: Stop auditioning for the role of family saint. Your sister gets away with more because everyone knows you will pick up the slack.
Tell your parents calmly that you love them, but you are no longer available to organize, remember and rescue everything. Then step back and let a few plates fall. People often notice your value when you stop doing their job for them. By sticking up for yourself, you will feel better. People treat you exactly how you let them treat you.