The thing about illness, in this case breast cancer, is that it doesn’t just affect the person. It affects family and friends as well.

These are just a few helpful hints for those of you placed in a position of supporting that friend or loved one.

It’s hard to accept help. It’s not something most of us do easily. The patient and the family must learn how to act, how to accept gracefully. It’s not easy. It gets easier with practice.

Communicate with the person as openly as possible. Listen when they want to talk about their cancer and/or treatment. You might have to hear the same questions or concerns over and over. It takes awhile for it all to sink in. In the process they may need to repeat or have you repeat information.

They may not want to talk at all. That’s OK, too.

Just let them know you are there when they decide it’s time.

Go with them to their doctor visits. Listen and write down any information the doctor provides. Ask questions. There is no such thing as a silly question when it comes to a loved one’s health. Once again, your friend will appreciate someone else listening when she tries to remember later what was said.

Give practical support. Volunteer to run errands. Do cooking, housekeeping, etc.

I had a 6-month-old, so believe me, any help was appreciated. I also had two older boys who needed to be transported so they wouldn’t have to give up their activities. Friends and family kept us going. Friends often left off meals wrapped in foil, so the boys used to play a game to guess what was for supper in the foil.

The smells of cooking were awful during Chemo, so those foil-wrapped love offerings were a godsend for us all.

Something available now that wasn’t for me is the easy access to online information and support. If you are helping someone who is not as computer literate as you are, that would be a great gift. There are some very valuable chat rooms for breast cancer patients and wonderful hints for surviving treatments.

Don’t underestimate the value of the simple greeting card. Receiving a card didn’t require me standing upright to receive or talking on the phone. I saved them and would re-read them when I felt blue. Books that inspire, like Lance Armstrong’s or Michael J. Fox’s, others who were fighting and winning, make great gifts. Stay away from anything that has a smell or requires any kind of physical effort.

Caregivers are the worst about neglecting themselves. You aren’t much help if you let yourself get worn out or sick. Make sure you are eating and taking breaks for yourself. Spouses of breast cancer patients often get neglected in the support efforts but there are groups just for them. Their lives are just as changed and their grieving is just as real.

Finally, the trick for all involved is to allow the experience to create growth in you, even in the sadness, even in the pain. When you come out the other side, whether patient, family or friend, you are not just a survivor. You’re a thrivor. Better somehow for having been there.